What I am Not Going to Write About #3

Today is Wednesday October 28th and I am in Bozeman, Montana and it is snowing outside. Actually, it is not snowing right now there is just a lot of snow on the ground. Oh – here is the update – I just looked out the window and it is snowing a bit.

I was not surprised about the snow today at all because it was snowing very hard last night when we came back from the pizza restaurant.

Now back to the subject of what I am not going to write about today.

I am not going to write about how I saw polar bears in Churchill, Manitoba on a tundra buggy. I am not going to tell you about the 4 polar bears that I saw napping or the one named Paul that was the biggest and scariest and ate bananas or how he came on board the tundra buggy and started to drive. He drove us to the shopping mall to get some more bananas. The shop keeper didn’t let him buy anything because he didn’t have any money so everybody on the tundra buggy paid for him to get 500 bunches of bananas. He goes bananas when he doesn’t get bananas.

Alright, that was a lie. He really doesn’t like bananas. Here is a polar bear fact – polar bears eat fish and seals, they are carnivores and they don’t even eat fruit although if it is a matter of life and death they will.

I am not going to talk about the Bear Jail where they keep bad bears. The bad bears are those that come into the town of Churchill and try to eat the food from the garbage cans. One stripe is their warning, the second stripe and they are out. There is even a bear police. It is all very serious because no one likes bears eating trash – because if they eat all the trash the trash workers don’t get paid. And if the trash workers don’t get paid then they quit and then if the bears stop coming then the trash builds up – it is all very confusing.

I am not going to write about making chocolates with Julia – my mom’s friend who is now my friend too. The hardest part about making cakes with Julia is the taste testing because you always need to make sure the cake isn’t poisonous. To do a cake taste test you have to take a bite of the finished product, in this case chocolate cake, and the secret ingredient is fish. And that is not a joke.

Julia told us that the cake makers have to be very happy when they are making the cake or otherwise the chocolate turns bitter. I told the cake some jokes and we were all very happy anyway because we knew we would get some chocolate when it was done. I can never imagine a chocolate cake maker who wasn’t happy.

And I will not even tell about a hotel we stayed in in Chamberlain, South Dakota. The first one had a wet floor, the second one smelled like cigarettes smoke and the third one had weird coffee stains on the sheets. But the final time we went to the manager he was really upset that we were upset and he gave us a complimentary upgrade so we got to stay in a suite.

Today we are off to Idaho Falls – I hope the storm doesn’t follow us.

Adios Amigos.


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I Hate RV Elementary School - Fiction

RV Elementary is the worse school I have ever gone to. The teachers are terrible because they make me do really boring work. You may think we are the luckiest people on earth – well, you don’t know what it is like to go to RV Elementary!

The teachers clothes are very ugly especially Miss Snodgrass and Mr. Higgenbottom - or Mr. HagissButt as I should say. For example – Mr. HaggisButt always eats haggis and it dribbles down on to his socks and Mr. HaggisButt doesn’t wear pants and has haggis on his head. He says it is refreshing, but I don’t believe him

Miss Snodgrass’s hair is so long it makes her trip. She has tripped all the students and they get tangled up in her hair. There are about 500 kids stuck in her hair right now and all the class pets are stuck there as well. Such as James the Gerbil, Thomas the Turtle, Harvey the Hamster and Dom the Dog. The only way to get out of her hair is by her tripping – which happens about every 30 seconds.

Miss Snodgrass wears rags – she doesn’t have any proper clothes. She wears a tunic the color of swamp green and the reason why it is swamp green is from the annual Swamp Trip where you go swimming in a swamp. At first when the Annual School Field Trip was announced everybody below second grade ran to sign up because they thought they were going swimming. All the second graders warned the first graders so they didn’t go. We forgot to warn the kindergarteners so they came back smelling of a swamp with tons of flies all around them. Nobody wanted to be near them, except for the flies, but I don’t think they count as people.

Miss Snodgrass wears baby shoes. She just crams one toe in each one. But baby shoes don’t count as shoes unless you are a baby. They do not look comfortable for any one I know.

Miss. Snodgrass’s voice sounds sharp and fierce. No one ever wants to be in her class. For instance she calls herself, “The Teacher from The Old Country”. And everything must be done like it was “In the Old Country”. It is very annoying.

For lunch we go to the cafeteria which is pretty good. That is the only good thing about RV Elementary. There are all sorts of delicious things like pasta with butter – they will cook anything you want.

Recess? We don’t even have recess at RV Elementary.

We are strapped into our chairs for about 15 hours each day. But it feels like 15 years. During that time we are suppose to be learning but really we are just listening to Miss Snodgrass read to us from the longest chapter book in the world called, A Long Way From Home. It takes about 15 years to read the entire book – well, that is the least anyone has read it in. She reads us a page a day and it has 5 billion pages in to. It is actually a pretty good book but she spits on us when she reads. I sit in the very back – that is my assigned seat – luckily. The kids in front, well, no one over likes them because they are always soaking wet from Miss SnotGrass spit.

Time for me to go clean out the rat cage. Bye.

What I Am Not Going to Blog about #2

Today I am sitting in a coffee shop called Timothy’s World Coffee in Winnipeg, Canada. Winnipeg is in Manitoba which is a Province. They don’t have states in Canada. I am drinking a hot chocolate and eating a big nice chocolate brownie thing.

We just finished going to the Winnipeg Zoo which until 2008 contained the world’s longest living polar bear. But then in 2008 unfortunately she died. Unfortunately they don’t have any more polar bears at the Winnipeg Zoo.

Oh man, we are off the subject again…alright…so this is what I am not going to blog about…

First off I am not going to blog about how I really don’t like cherry pie with ketchup. I just wrote that for fun. Really I like my cherry pie plain or with any type of ice cream.

I am not going to blog about Minnesota or staying with Rachel and Leah and playing Knights of Sedonia on guitar hero until I was sick of it.

I am not going to blog about the Renaissance Fair and how I won a toy dagger with a game involving frogs and a catapult and a big bucket of water. That is for another blog another day that will only happen if I go to a city in an alternative universe in an alternative dimension 50 million galaxies away on a planet called Zenuom. But the chances are about 50 50 that I will go there.

I am not going to blog about Gabby and Isobel, the beautiful golden retrievers that live with Rachel and Leah or about how it makes me want to get a dog in our real house on the planet called Zenuom.

And I am certainly not going to blog about the book I am reading called Double Fudge by Judy Blume. Or how I am already on page 94 out of 213. I shouldn’t say too much because this is just way off the subject…

I am not going to talk about any of the parties that people had for us in Minnesota like at Auntie Julia where we played Scrabble and Electronic Life and Josh ate 50 billion cake bites. I only ate 3, don’t worry.

In fact I am not going to blog about anything.

Oh man, I just bloged about something.

Gotta go now.

Bye.

PS I like pie.